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eighteen

by Emily Horton

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1.
magnets 02:01
Throwing magnets at a wooden board, oh, I'm looking for something that sticks All they ever do is fall down to the floor and spell out "I should let go of it" I'm writing rulebooks and I'm dotting every 'i,' I'm crossing tomorrow off my list I spend each minute with myself just getting by, 'cause when you leave, the party sinks I know I shouldn't go there anymore, but it's not like It makes any difference, either way, I'm up all night Who, who am I to complain? Split the difference, cut my losses Say I'll check back, blame the rain Who, who am I to complain? I think too much about everything
2.
I've told you a million times you're not someone to just get over And I know it never happens right, you could never hold me, not unless we were older And I woke up from a dream, the middle of the night Found you weren't next to me, pretended it was fine I can't make this any better And I saw you leaving so I chased you down outside Told you I still love you, but I know, yeah, it's alright I can't make this any better, not unless we were older, not unless we were older And we both know exactly how it ends, so it's safer to just keep our distance But it always comes back to you, and I'm falling at your feet for the second time this week I woke up from a dream, the middle of the night Wrote you a novel about wishing we were fine But I can't make this any better And I saw you leaving & I chased you down outside Told you I still love you, but I know we can't change minds We can't make this any better And it always comes right back to you And I know it, and you know it, and the rest of them do, too And I keep singing these songs to you The first one only five days short of hitting on year two And I know it never works out right But when I look into your eyes, I feel like putting up a fight And it always comes back to you Yeah, I know it, yeah, you know it, yeah, we both know how we're doomed Not unless we were older, not unless we were older
3.
Call me by the name that you used to when you used to know me Threw away your letters like I'm supposed to, how does this still hold me Call it all awash, move along, and take a step back from it But I can't step back from it I could let it go, let it all be, learn my lesson I just keep on reading and rereading messes If you hear all those old songs do you sing along or run far from them Well, I can't step back from them And who were you to tell me off, when you push me away but keep the burner on I'd throw the game, I'd lose it all, no matter what I do for you it's all my fault Who are you to tell me how I can and cannot feel these days Don't say you love me like it doesn't mean a thing Take me far away by a few years, mourn my crosses Keep an annotated list of all the lost things I keep setting fires to my own bridges, you call me a martyr like that's what this is Douse it all with water, let the monster in And who were you to tell me off, when you push me away but keep the burner on I'd throw the game, I'd lose it all, no matter what I do for you it's all my fault Who are you to tell me how I can and cannot feel these days Don't say you love me like it doesn't mean a thing Maybe I'm being just a little sentimental Just a little well done, just a little ornamental Or maybe I've grown just a little bolder than I was then Maybe you ran off to drown in shallow water, Off to drink it all down, off to sacrifice and slaughter But maybe I've grown just a little bit older than I was then But who were you to tell me off, when you push me away but keep the burner on I'd throw the game, I'd lose it all, no matter what I do for you it's all my fault Who are you to tell me how I can and cannot feel these days Don't say you love me like it doesn't mean a thing
4.
I'd be lying if I said I never think about driving home, cold nights in spring But there's hardly any truth in that, I lost us both some miles back I'd be lying is I said I never think about kissing in cars, blue memories The songs pour out like molten wax, I know your ghost, I'll give you that So how do I dig myself out of this hole Building a pyre for ashes I owe Putting out flames from the fires I coaled Whenever I reach out, the bad nights all come back to me Blue cold on basement floors, the scene plays out on tv screens The cycle never ends, the scrolling faces of our friends I'd be lying if I said I never think about when I heard you'd ended things So how do I dig myself out of this hole Building a pyre for ashes I owe Putting out flames from the fires I coaled Maybe there's lessons to be learned in every stupid time I think Of how unsure I am of how correctly I remember things Maybe there's lessons to be learned in finding death in all the blanks So how do I sew myself into distress Planting the reasons for what I forget Piling on seasons of mess after mess
5.
eighteen 02:55
I don't know what I was thinking to get so caught up in your tone You call me late at night, I'm singing callous songs through a telephone I don't know, just had a feeling, but I knew better than accost No matter what it was, I lost it; it comes at much too high a cost Scare me half to death when you see me, when you look me in the eyes Send me choirs in cathedrals if you set us both on fire Take a breath, talk me down, only time I was ever any good at that Take a breath, talk me down, did you ever even notice I was good at that You knew me back when I was eighteen, an anger ringing through my bones You spoke with gentle tone and substance, how could I not have felt so known There's something certain in the weighing that leaves the wanting all the more There's something certain, early morning, I let you go and settle scores Take a breath, talk me down, only time I was ever any good at that Take a breath, talk me down, did you ever even notice I was good at that Think it through, call me out, only time I was ever any good at that Take a breath, talk me down, did you ever even notice I was good at that Take a breath, talk me down, only time I was ever any good at that Did you ever even notice I was good at that
6.
Picturesque heartbreak, losing love only feeds into the soundscape Sticking through but not like glue or tape, handling it all by channeling the hate And how I choose to cope started this fight You brought a gun I said bring a knife And my mother hates how I get like this sometimes Aimless wandering, kick the pebbles out of place while I'm walking Thinking drinking sinking feeling on repeat, on repeat Down goes the switch and out goes the light It's pretty hard to hate you when it's this part of the night I always let it go Crossing out "I loves yous" 'cause I need to take them back One hand on your steering wheel the other on your neck Oh, no one needs to know I play connect the dots with the freckles on your back I play connect the dots when we spur a new collapse I play connect the dots when I can't get a grasp I play connect the dots, I play connect the dots Picturesque heartbreak, losing love just to bleeds into the soundscape
7.
untitled 21 03:29
The fields that I am running from, the ferrotype of seventeen The cigarettes you smoked to keep yourself from ever reaching me And there's the reason I don't know how else to dwell myself to sleep The times you didn't say it back, the tally marks all adding up I'd like to tell you off but I'm afraid you wouldn't call my bluff And there's the reason I don't know how else to know you've had enough I tear it out, I fold it up, I take a picture in my room The time I made a list of every different way you would fall through And there's the map I traced when freckles on a back just wouldn't do The room I am sleep in when I'm home, the bed frame, broken on the floor A measurement of height, the top is your name, lines the childhood door And there's the reason I don't try erasing ghosts much anymore The place we filled with painted flowers, I run the wash twice before noon I feel the door close and below I hear the clattering of shoes And there's the answer for avoiding what we both know to be true Well, is it art if it doesn't hurt me I'm tired of seeing all the rooms where you closed doors Was it real or am I still learning How to tell the difference between memories and moors Is it art if it doesn't hurt me I'm tired of seeing all the rooms where you closed doors Was it real or am I still learning How to tell the difference between memories and moors
8.
five years 03:08
At some point the charm wears off and you start to see it for what it was The monster running through the woods, the violence in those thunderstorms And I recall you tossing rocks like chaos brings you some reward They sink in pools and others take the fall I see it clearly now, you were never much for love You can't just kiss me because you want to You can't just kiss me because you want to For five years I remember things I didn't want to Laying in pine needles, you reach out and grab the pit of my stomach We both know that it's not my fault, but we know I take the punishment I'm only there 'til better things arrive, act like I love it You teach someone you're the best that it gets, I was a child, then so grown all the sudden You can't just kiss me because you want to You can't just kiss me because you want to For five years I remember things I didn't want to You know me better than I know myself, I mold to fit you Hazy bedroom floor or foggy car, I shrink to fit you And now I ask the girls I know if they didn't want you For five years I remember all the things I didn't want to For five years I remember all the things I wish I saw through For five years I remember all the things I didn't want to

about

Eighteen follows Emily Horton’s coming-of-age story, piecing together songs she’s written over the course of the last five years. Introspective, quick-witted, and bittersweet, Eighteen walks through a hall littered with lost relationships, fragments of childhood memories, and something almost like healing. From childish heartbreak in “not unless we were older” to episodic memory-rich “untitled 21,” Horton lays it all out to let it all go.

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released February 19, 2020

music & lyrics by emily horton

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Emily Horton Richmond, Virginia

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